He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
