ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
