i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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