I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
