she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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