Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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