She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
