My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I checked into jail on foursquare
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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