she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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