I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
