I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Randomize
