Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
