At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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