There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize