I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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