I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
