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Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
