there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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