I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
