You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
