It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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