spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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