ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
