just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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