anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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