my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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