i don't like sucking hair
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize