you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
