apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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