ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
