im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
