i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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