Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
