I haven't been this sober since birth.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
