so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
