Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize