so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
that may or may not have been my penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize