am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize