I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
