I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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