Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
