You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Found the puke drawer
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
