I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
