i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
