Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He has the fingertips of a God
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