my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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