He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
