If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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