He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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