her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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