Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize