I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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