I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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