You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
