Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Help. Why am I so naked?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
