You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
