I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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