Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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