dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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