Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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