Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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