He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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