I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
please don't ironically join a cult
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