the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize